Life is so good!   
02:57pm 19/01/2004
  Allright, for all it's ups and downs, this has been an eventfull year, and revealing. Steve's a more complex man then I ever knew, Roya's just a weak as any human, and just a wonderfull as I thought, My parents are really both evil and godly, and...I'm not the person I thought I was. Not at all. But, I think, It'll be allright that way!
~~This Dj has done all it can, I'm now gonna move onto my Live journal... I'm Lethean_Wakes there. I hope that's an accurate representation of how this all has been played out. Fell free to look at all my old entries and figure out what's changed yourself. Maybe it'll help someone else!

Love, Meiyo Yume

Love, Dev

Love, Lethean

Love, Fuchsia

Love, Erin

Love, ME!!!		  
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10:57pm 17/01/2004
 
mood: apathetic
music: Filter
HI! Well, The Ryn thing's slowly resolving. All in it's own due time I suppose. Uh, Bee's getting a little too stressed, i knew Roya and I were stressing her out, but I didn't know how bad! Now that she thinks we've got it worked out, she's letting her gaurd on the subject. I hope we didn't warp her!!!

~|DEV!|~		  
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On Angels and Wars....   
10:06pm 28/12/2003
  ~~All right, I've decided to post my story on a site. NOT the whole thing, only bits. I've got a few peices, scraps really, but it's enough for me! I'm opening up a live-journal and I'll put it there, I HOPE!  
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08:22pm 25/12/2003
 
mood: artistic
music: David Grey, Lost songs
... KELLY IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOL!!! ...

We love Kelly


KELL ROCKS!

~~No, in all seriousness, Kelly and I just talked for quite a bit, and resolved all our shit. YEAH! If I lost another person to this thing after Ryn-san, I'd shoot myself. So, if Kell will just forgive my crazy marquee's, we'll be friends! (Or at least not kill each other.)
-Dev		  
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09:53pm 22/12/2003
  IT WORKED! hee,hee...  
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TESTING!!!   
09:49pm 22/12/2003
  Will it even work?  
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Verdampt!   
10:17pm 17/12/2003
 
mood: numb
music: Linkin Park, Metiora
I don't care how the fuck you spell that. Fuck spelling, you KNOW it doesn't matter, dev. You may LIKE it but it doesn't really mean shit. Okay here's all I really have to say. Who ever I was last year, Whoever Any of us were is totally unimportant. Because we're really fuckin' ugly on the inside now. All of us. I hate to have been the catylist, but I was. So if we could just MOVE ON, maybe we'd get better! I love Ryn some days, I hate Souzu some days, I wish Bee were gone somedays. And I know SOME DAYS THEY FEEL THE SAME. So if the immiture little voices in ALL our heads could just SHUT the fuck up, we could be okay. Maybe not the way we were, But okay. And god damn it, if you don't want that you're no better then those five year olds with THEIR wars. For gods sake, either move on, or don't, don't just pretend! And you are, we both know, we ALL know, you ARE pretending!		  
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07:38pm 16/12/2003
 
mood: crazy
music: Josh Joplin
I MISS STEERPIKE! I miss Lestat and Steerpike and Dream and Angelo!!! But Just in the, "God, why am I not JUST like you?!?!" way. Which is good, I guess.

"I know I'm grotesque... I know I come from nowhere... But I love you!"

I want to feel that strongly again. I want to look at Steve and have it hurt I love him so badly. but I've got all I want and now I'm content. Not that this is bad, just that... I don't know, sometimes it's like I look at him, and wish I could just protect him, but other times, I want protection. I need him, I need him to be my all, my world, I need to stop the earth and make him SEE how...

-Fuchsia		  
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Hate, pain, and the interrim...   
07:11pm 16/12/2003
 
mood: awake
music: Linkin Park
~~I tryed to help. Even when she wouldn't see me. When she wouldn't acknowledge my presence. I mean, she still asks the librarian for a computer instead of me. I've been doing the job, for what, three months straight? Bimbo. But still, I love who she used to be, or at least who I saw in her, once, long ago. But I have to let go. Even this hatred has to leave. I can't kill, I won't. So swallow it, Dev, and move on...		  
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Only the lonely...   
09:39pm 07/12/2003
 
mood: drunk
~~Hun, funny, ain't it, how two people can be miles of feelings away, and the differance between them is still only just a layer of paint? I paint my mask on, she paints hers. Mine's just the same as I feel. Well, felt. Now, somethings finaly clicked. I got the forgivness I needed. And now, well, I'm just pissed.

~~The little things are just driving me so damn CRAZY! I want to kill so often now! JUST. JUMP.UP. AND...

~~But Steve, oh god, my salvation! I never though I could feel this good. I stayed the weekend at his house, and the most amazing thing ever is waking up next to... To... (What the hell do I call him?!?) the man you're going to marry, and just seeing his eyes. Just the feeling of his arm holding you, and waking up three inches away from those warm, rain-forest eyes, and feeling the warmth of his skin. And then closing your eyes and opening them over and over untill you go cross eyed!!! I've never been this happy before. Last year, and some of this year, I'd been having dreams, this state of... uggggggh... I'd wake up and the room would be blue, hazy, muggy and empty. And now, it's gone.

~~So yeah, life is great. Life is wonderfull. Life, while slightly odd, is the best its ever been. And despite its draw-backs, I've never been happier. But I've gotta go work on the last of my anime thing.

Love Dev		  
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The End..?   
11:22pm 30/11/2003
  -Okay, I can't do this much longer. This DJ is just full of bad shit, so why bother? What I did to Ryn was the worst thing I've done in my life, or so I thought. But I'm getting it all now. I'm begining to understand people.
-When I was younger I did some horrific stuff, I hurt and... I did things a soul can not be forgiven for. And I did these things purposly, with malicious intentions. And It's taken a longtime to forget that.But one night, with Steve, I remembered these... Deeds, and it hit me that I'm not good enough to be with him. And you know what he told me? He said when he was younger, he had done the same things. And he'd felt so bad about it, but still, again and again, it happened. And he said none of it mattered to him now, because he had me. He said "Forget the world, they don't matter to us now. We have each other, and all of the things we did then don't mean a thing." And I beleived him, and the worrying passed.
-But now, all I can think of is Ryn, and hurting her. What I did was wrong, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. They point and judge me, and what stings most is that despite their ignorance, they're right. They call me evil for the wrong reasons, but they come to the right conclusion. I don't want them to know what REALLY happened, why I really was so desgusting, but I at least want them to know the truth.
-But I think it's allright. Because I have Steve, and nothing will ever take that away. Not even time, though it may make it hurt. So I think I can cry these tears now, I think I can accept my sins. I think I might be allright someday.

-Dev		  
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01:39pm 14/11/2003
 
mood: amused
music: Perfect Circle, Mer de Nois
~ So much in my head these days, so little sanity to orginize it all.

~ It was Ryn's Birthday the 12. I told Bee, so they could at least wish her well, but Ryn was gone till today. Her loss, I guess. The girls are really quite pissed at her, but won't show it. They're chicken-shit about the whole thing, hiding away instead of making us both face the issue. Well, they made ME face it, but Ryn is way too full of herself for them to pull that off. She'd play the wounded hero. Ah, well, their issues, their solution. I tried.

~ Angelo's all I'm thinking of lately(No, not in the romantic way, duh!). Too much Perfect Circle, lack of sleep, unchecked desire, mist, fog, rain, and grey days. It's so nice, I love it! Yeah, the depression, it's actually quite soothing.

~ Well, other then thinking Dream is all arround me now, Life is normal, for fall. Love,

-Dev		  
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WOW... Long time no see, neh?   
02:32pm 12/11/2003
  Okay, seeing as the whole Angelo-ish-plot-thing is really coming allong, I'm gonna revamp the place here. Maybe today, maybe not. I am in the library, so it's a pain to do that, but I'll try... BRB, I hope.
-Dev		  
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Fuck that!   
02:09pm 03/09/2003
  Fuck her. I miss her, yeah, but ANY "friend" who can cut me out of her heart THAT easily is just full of shit. Fairweather friend and pusedo-martyer. I hate people like that, and Roya, now grown into her skin, is just one such! She was more fun as a girl then the woman she grew up to be.  
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BOO!!!   
02:09pm 03/09/2003
  Well life is odd, the world is strange, and I'm not sure I'm happy about it.

~~For one, the Steve thing goes quite well, however perhaps too well. Like... Uh... Well, we definitly moved one step further in the relationship thing... Er... Like, YEAH, you get it.

~~Second, I miss Ryn. A lot. I'd give almost ANYTHING to get her back. But it's not my choice now anyway, she decided I wasn't a friend worth persuit. My bitching at her didn't help, but oh well. I'll always love her.

~~That's about all, uh, I guess. Oh! Dad got fired as well, and I'm really loaded with home-work. But yeah, lotsa' love!!!

-Letheans Bittersweet Dream		  
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I am crying all inside...   
01:42pm 18/08/2003
  ~~What an odd summer... I've been slapped in the face over and over again. I'm not even sure if there's any stable ground left. Well, yeah, there's a little.

~~So I lost my Ryn-san. Well, not lost, I just realized I never had her. she never really cared, I was just deludeing myself. I'm okay with loseing her, I can feel the empty place in my chest, but that I can deal with. What I CAN'T deal with is the way she'll play it off as a martyr. "Oh, I don't KNOW why Erin hates me! But I don't care, I'm too good a person to HATE anyone." That's total bull shit, but if she wants to live in a dream, whatever.

~~But I've gained a little clarity. I now know who my friends are, and they're not who I expected. The whole Kelly thing really brought Ariana's true colors out and I realised she's a saint. I can't possibly understand why she's still with me even though I'm so callous. Diana seems to genuinly enjoy my company, and I thank her for her care.

~~Steve of course has been wonderfull about the whole thing. He kept telling me that Roya and I would be fine, we'd still be friends. I've gotta give him a hand for that, considering Roya hates him and he knows it. It's nice to have someone to hold you when the world's being torn down all arround you. And aside from the Roya thing, I don't think life with out him would be half as fun. Okay, I'd die.

~~Yet despite the way Roya played me, I still want those days back. I still love her. And I don't think that will ever change.

-Lethean Dream		  
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09:43pm 09/08/2003
  I just cut out my heart.
...






...
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I hate you! I hate you for making me do this! I feel like I'm dying! I've just lost the only thing in this world I thought would last forever. You...
I love the bite of a razor. So sharp and secret. Like the puff of a cigarete. Soothing...
...
I want to... I want to just turn off. Just pull my plug, give me a new life. I want to see innocence. Was it all a lie?

-Dev		  
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09:16pm 09/08/2003
  ~~I'm so sick of these damn adolecent immiture little MORONS who scamper arround pretending they're adults now. Oh, and my best friend --no-- EX-best-friend is a moronic bitch!

~~I thought she was hurt, I thought she needed a friend, I thought she was just a little fractured. I was wrong, she's not hurt, she STUPID! Roya, news flash: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ADULT! When will any of you get it? I'm more mature then you people. Not because I'm stronger or smarter. Because I've stripped away all the bull shit. That's what growing up is! It's clearing away all the masks and veils and seeing where you stand. And NOT hiding from what's left.

~~I don't have much anymore. I'm living off "coffee and cigarets" as they put it. Literally on the coffee, not the cigarets. Hell, the only reason I'm NOT smoking is Steve, and it's not a lofty intention. I just want to fuck him and he can't STAND smoke. When he leaves me(because he WILL) maybe I'll start. But you know what? I'm willing to accept all that. Because I now know it's who I am. And Roya, if you could do that then MAYBE I'd be able to look at you without gaging. But you make me sick.

~~And it's not just her! Hell no! So many of you are like that. I won't even begin to list it out. Roya's just the worst.

~~Like you can't have a fucking corn-dog. "I have to look out for my health now that I'm in college." You fucking idiot. A REAL adult would see the fact that you have to splurge a bit once in a while. You're just a sheltered little girl who's been in her cage too long. We all tip-toe arround you so you won't see how worthless you are. I was the worst, I thought I'd do anything to save you. Now I see how full of shit I was. You built the cage and you fooled me into it. You didn't see it, but you used me like you used the rest of them. You fucking scum.

~~God, the realy sad thing is I can't do a damned thing about it now. You won't read this. And I'm not giving you the satisfaction of seeing me try to tell you all this. The day you made this "Adult" bubble for your world was the day you lost me. I love you, and always will. But I'm not your friend. I don't even want to see you again. Have a nice fucking life.

-Erin		  
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04:34pm 22/07/2003
 
mood: listless
music: Alien, Bush
Were we ever really that happy?
Pictures show me what I want to see,
To hear, to feel for you.
Can I pretend the picture's real,
Lost in your empty smile,
How deep is the skin?
Can I touch you again?
Loosing myself to
A cresent moon of you...

Now where do I go?
I've been left here so long,
Can't remember what it is to love.
Where do my loyalties lie?
How far can affection take me?
I'll never know this way.
Want the dreams to stay,
By my side,
In your eyes.

Ever felt the cut of,
Heart strings like hot knives?
Of the wold being rent aside?
A flower picked aimlessly,
My love was never ment.
Not for you.
The stars fell that night,
I saw inside your eyes,
A thousand petals in the sky.

If I did something wrong,
But touching you then,
I swear I never ment it.
Don't give me the time of day,
And leave me in my hole.
Clawing at my mind,
What have I done,
To let you fall so far?
I never saw your wings,
The colors of your soul.

All fair in love,
If you need us to,
Till the day I die,
We can fight a holy war.
I'll do repulsive things,
If hateing me will heal you.
I'll die by your sword,
If it'll pull you through.

This hell is for us alone.
I want you to see through,
The mist of reality.
Each day I see the truth,
Of this world you deny,
It would be easier if you,
Hadn't fallen from the sky.
My angel, I have broken wings,
But you can still fly.

I'll die for you,
So fly for me.		  
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04:41pm 15/07/2003
  ~~I'm never going to be able to look at whipped cream the same way... LOL!!! Sorry, I had to say it. Yeah. I think I need to learn how to hot-wire a Mustang. And I'll fill the trunk with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and cherries!

~~Hm... You know what? I don't feel much at all right now. It bites!

-Lethean		  
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